Were you spanked as a kid? I know I was. Growing up in the south, I can not count the times I was told to go outside and pick a "Hickory" for my spanking. A "Hickory", in case you didnt know, it a long skinny branch that when struck across the back of your legs stings like fire and leaves the marks to prove it. And if you wiggled instead of just taking it, you would get welps across any part of your body the stick managed to make contact with.
"You better pick a good one! Because if you don't I'll get one for you and you will get twice as many licks!"
That was always the warning. But some how in the back of my mind, I thought I could evade this inevitable punishment. Maybe if I took too long in the yard they would forget my wrong and let it go. Maybe if I picked one that wasn't so pliable it wouldn't hurt as bad or better yet it would break on the first hit and I would get away with just one "lick." Maybe I could run away and avoid punishment all together.
That was just part of the dialect that went through my mind as I looked for the "hickory." Not once did I think to myself "I was wrong for what I did." Instead I was thinking of ways to do it next time so I didn't get caught. How to lie when confronted. How much I hated my grandparents for hurting me. Spanking was not teaching me anything.. I never learned to respect my elders or do better next time but with every strike of the hickory I felt hated, unloved and worst of all, betrayed.
When I was pregnant with my daughter I swore I would never spank her. No one else would do so either. I can remember the arguments with my parents, in-laws and even my husband. From my parents and in-laws, as well as most of the older generational crowd, I heard how that was spoiling her and she wouldn't respect me. From my husband I heard how he was given time outs as a kid and all it did was give him more time to plot on his parents. He told me he was spanked and he is better for it. Anyone who knows the hellion my husband is can laugh at that statement now.
I would like to say I have been that parent. I would like to say that I stuck to my beliefs. But I did not. My son is almost 7 months old. The other day he was doing the same frustrating thing that my daughter did at about this same age when I "popped" her leg for the first time. You know when they get to that stage in having their diaper changed where they wiggle and scream, fighting you with all their energy to get loose because all they want to do is explore? And out of frustration I struck my child on the leg. The look of fear and shock on her face, then the following cry of pain. It killed me. And you would think that should have been the last time. But it wasn't. Every time I was at my wits end and I did not know how else to get my child to behave or listen, I resorted to spanking her. And every time I hated myself. I was throwing adult tempter tantrums and at the expense of my daughters emotional well being.
Its no excuse but I was doing what I knew. And it became habit. It was done to me and it was what I knew. How much easier is it to reach out and strike your child than to take the time to actually parent them. How much easier is it to "pop" them rather than getting to the source of their behavior and talking them through it. I treated her as though she did not have the intelligence of a dog. As though she could not possibly be talked to like the little person she was. I treated her as though the only way to deal with her behaviors was by physical reactions on my part. While I hated myself every time I did it, I slowly began to repress those thoughts and feelings so that I could rationalize with myself that I was spanked and I turned out ok because of it. But the truth of the matter is Im not ok. I've never forgotten and still hold the pain and resentment to this day. I hear all the time from people how spanking teaches children respect. I never once respected those who laid a hand on me in a violent manner. I FEARED them. And fear can be powerful but not in a positive way. Just how much love do you have for the things you fear?
What irony that the day after I had that frustrating epiphany with my son that articles and studies started popping up left and right. I had seen them all before but something about reading them after looking into my sons trusting eyes knowing what I had done to my daughter changed it for me this time. Divine fate? As I was writing this post another article popped up talking about why spanking is never ok (1) With each thing I've read I have seen the things they talk about in my daughter.
Time after time, science shows over whelming evidence that spanking lowers the IQ of children(2), causes anxiety and depression(3), violent behavior(4)... The list can go on and on. I see the anxiety my daughter already has. Ive seen her act out violently because I showed her that's the way to be. I see the fear, NOT RESPECT, that my child has when I spank her.
The truth of the matter is, I feel as though I love my children but have not shown my daughter that I love her. I have betrayed her trust in me. And led a bad example through violent actions towards her. When I see her spank her "babies" and even more recently "spank" her brother then I know it is my own fault as I have shown her this is the way to show your disapproval. I can not take back the actions of my past but I can and will be a better parent for her future. This is not to say I will not still make mistakes as a parent, but spanking will not be one of them.
It took the incident with my 7 month old the other day, when my gut reaction was to pop his leg for not doing what I wanted him to do for me to realize just how badly I had done my daughter. I looked at him, how small he is. How innocent. How in one violent reaction I had taken that innocence from my daughter
Be creative. Spanking is the easy way out but at what cost to your children.
(1)Why Spanking is never ok
(2)Spanking lowers IQ
(3) Spanking causes behavioral problems.
(4)Spanking causes violence
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